Sometimes, not disclosing a secret can mean that you are navigating smoothly in your relationship. Here’s what you can take with you to the grave and the five secrets you should never hide from your partner
First of all, we do not exactly encourage you to lie to your girlfriend.
” A good relationship is based on trust, honesty and intimacy, ” says Bela Gandhi, founder and coach of Smart Dating Academy, a dating business for professionals. You know the most important things about each other, you know deep within you that she is honest with you and that you can trust her.
However, being too honest can sometimes be bad for a relationship. As our lawyer friends can say, there is a difference between honesty and revelation.
” Sometimes, depending on the context, you do not want to divulge certain information, ” says Sarah Jones, founder of Introverted Alpha , the first dating coaching company. It is acceptable to keep a secret when you do not have enough confidence to share it and you think tarvos testo it can have negative consequences on your psyche or your reputation. In the same way, you can keep a secret if the subject of this last one can make reveal you details hurtful and useless. This is particularly the case if you start a new relationship.
You’re not going to share your darkest secrets on a first date or as soon as you start feeling confident with your girlfriend, but if you’re dating her for six months or six years, here’s what that it is better to keep for you , the secrets that will hurt your relationship or that will be considered dishonest.
1 – The number of people with whom you slept
” There is nothing good about revealing the number of people you slept with. Neither for you, nor for her Says Gandhi. A small cynical and destructive part of herself wants to know, but telling him will hurt her. If the number is high, she may feel that she will not be able to compete with your ex or that you are a womanizer, even if it is not the case. And if you have only slept with a few women, she may feel guilty about having sex with more men than you or become paranoid and believe that you will leave her for more sexual experiences. Here is what to tell your girlfriend when she asks you how many women you have been: if she keeps asking you, explain that her insistence makes you uncomfortable and that the number is without consequence because you are with her and only her. The past is the past.
2 – How was your ex
” One of my recent clients told me that she almost drove the man who is her fiancé today because he told her that her ex looked like a porn star,” says Gandhi. She lacked self-confidence and felt he was judging her body by thinking of a porn star . Imagine if the roles were reversed: would you like your girlfriend to fantasize about Chris Hemsworth? Absolutely not.
If she asks you questions about your ex, do not tell her how good she was in bed, how much your family loved her, and what perfect body she had. Your girlfriend may be asking questions about it but responding to it is cruel (even if it is not your intention).
3 – You think her best friend is hot
Whether you have an innocent crush or you think that your girlfriend’s best friend is hot, keep it for yourself. ” Do not tell your friend ,” Gandhi advises. This will put a bad mood between you and maybe even between your girlfriend and her best friend . ” You can not choose who you are attracted to but you can choose to ignore these feelings or not and what you decide to say out loud. Trust your girlfriend and make her understand that she is irreplaceable and that you do not prefer her best friend.
4 – Negative and self-deprecating thoughts
It is not said that your self-confidence can not diminish or that you can not share the doubts you have about yourself with your girlfriend. Having a partner to help you through difficult times and improve your image of yourself is a big part of your relationship.
If you feel inferior to his brothers or you lack confidence in his friends, try not to tell him. ” If you tell her too often, she’ll start believing you ,” says Gandhi. If you tell her all the time that you are not the man she deserves, guess what? She will probably leave you to find him. Unless you really think you’re not compatible, be the man she deserves.
If you have all the time negative thoughts or are you constantly criticize yourself (and not just because of her or other people in your circle of friends) then it may be good to talk to your doctor or a mental health specialist. Finding the source of these thoughts and working to understand why you feel so is a vital step in building a strong emotional foundation for your relationship.
5 – You hate someone from your family or group of friends
” If you can live with it (especially if it’s very close to that person), all the better ,” says Gandhi. If you constantly struggle not to crack and he / she pushes you to the end, then leave. Ideally, have “something planned” on your side when she wants to go out with that person and she asks you to join them, “suggests Gandhi. Of course, you can not do it every time, but “the more you can keep the peace and let it do what it wants and the better your life will be “. In addition, it will pass a good time with this (good) friend (s) or member of his family, which is something you can point out to him.
Even better: ask yourself why this person drives you crazy. Is it because of something she is doing or is it an opinion you have about her? Can you find a way to reduce friction between you? If you plan to spend your life with your partner, this annoying person will be around you for a while. It is better to do it than to suffer in the long run.
Here is the most important caveat in this story.
” There is an unacceptable lie for most people that will probably devastate your relationship,” says Gandhi. ” Of course, things may seem scary to admit, but if the events of the past force you to say something wrong to your partner, it is a signal that proves that you need to work until you do not have to lie anymore , “adds Jones.
5 secrets you should never hide from your girlfriend
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” It does not matter if a couple has been together for a month, six months, or six years, it’s important to build trust to share intimate, even embarrassing details, without fear of consequences ,” says Jones. If this trust does not develop, keeping secrets can be positive but not for the relationship .
If trust does not grow as your relationship progresses or you walk on eggs and hide secrets just to make it happy, then it’s probably a sign that there’s a broader underlying problem that you need to adjust or that your relationship does not work. No problem, as long as you are honest about the important things.